Your child’s self-esteem

Does your child have a high self-esteem or is it a low self-esteem?  A child or teen with high self-esteem will be able to:  act independently, assume responsibility, take pride in his accomplishments, tolerate frustration, attempt new tasks and challenges, handle positive and negative emotions, and offer assistance to others.   On the other hand, a child with low self-esteem will:  avoid trying new things, feel unloved and unwanted, blame others for his own shortcomings, he will feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent, be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration, put down his own talents and abilities, be easily influenced.
Self-esteem is a learned behavior.  As parents or guardians, you have the greatest opportunity to foster a good self-esteem for your child.  Why is this important?  People with high self-esteem are more successful in life, and are better equipped to deal with life stressors.
Parenting for positive self-esteem in your child is not difficult.  If this is an area you want or need to focus on with your child, a few adjustments in how you approach that child may bring the changes you are hoping to see.
Find something positive to say to your child or teen on a daily basis.  Make sure this is a sincere complement.  “I like the way you fixed your hair today.”  “I am proud of the grand you received in math today.”  Do not make back handed complements.  “I like the way you cleaned your room.  It’s about time it looked this way.”  Your complements are important.  It is estimated that children hear 200 to 300 negative statements every day. 
Openly show interest in your child’s life, friends, hobbies, school.  Help your child find something they enjoy, can feel good about doing, and have some success with, such as a sport, a musical instrument, art, etc.  Take a genuine interest in what they are doing.  Ask them questions about what they are doing, and find positive statements to make regarding the end result.
When problems in life arise it is very easy to fall into a habit of making negative statements to ourselves.  Teach your child and teen to make positive self statements.  "I can get this problem, if I just keep trying."  "It's OK if our team lost today.  We all tried our best and you can't win them all."  "It makes me feel good to help others even if the person doesn't notice or thank me."
Everyone makes mistakes, or on occasion, poor choices.  Children and teens are no exception.  When your child makes a poor choice or a mistake you should look at this as a learning opportunity.  It is better to make a mistake now when they are young than when they are older when mistakes can be more costly.  When a mistake or poor choice occurs first give empathy – “I am sorry you made that choice.”  Or “this must have made you feel bad.”  Unless you are absolutely positive the child or teen does not know what they did wrong, don’t point this out to them by saying - “I told you so”, or any other negative statement.  Let the consequences do the teaching.  For example:  A young child get into something they shouldn’t and the consequence in you home is a time out – “I am sorry you did that.”  Then place the child in time out without saying what they did wrong.  The child will learn by the consequence, not by making them feel worse by saying something negative.  This is one of the most difficult patterns of parent behavior to adjust.
Teach your child how to make good choices.  Talk with your child about your feelings and opinions on various topics.  Try to avoid lecturing as you will be tuned out after the first 3 words.  Your child should be aware of consequences from the very beginning.  Do not make up the rules as you go.  This is confusing and leads to problems.  The best time to give advice to your child or teen is when they ask, or during a brief second or two when he/she is in a good mood.
For more advice on this or any other parenting issue please feel free to contact York County Good Beginnings.