Shopping the friendly skies

People that know me well know that shopping is just not my thing.  Back in the day, former News-Times reporter and columnist Donna Rhoades and I went at it head to head on who was the better shoppers, men or women.  My stand was that men are better because for the most part, we know what we want and where to get it and presto, we go where it's at and buy it and we're out. According to some people's opinion, that's not shopping, that's just buying.
Now the women in my life, they must be good shoppers.  Linda, Denise and Sara used to hit the mall, spend hours in there "Shopping" and have a good ole time. They might not buy a whole lot, and sometimes they did, but they did it by "shopping".  That could mean finding what you're looking for in the first store you go into, but continue to check the other 25 stores where it might be found just to make sure that first store was the best deal. 
There are all kinds of ways to go shopping these days and the one I want to touch on today is the SKYMALL.  For those that aren't familiar with SKYMALL, it's a shopping catalog that can be found on most airlines that is full of unique and wonderful (according to them) items that you probably can't live without. 
Let's see, we get up at 5 a.m. to make sure that we get to the airport a couple of hours ahead of time so we don't miss our flight. We stand in line, get half-undressed so that the TSA can make sure we aren't closet terrorists.  We wedge ourselves into seats that seem to get closer and narrower all the time.  We eagerly await the soda and the packet of 14 peanuts that they hand out.  And that's only if you're on an airline that even bothers with giving you anything.  And then they want us to go SHOPPING while we're on the plane!!!
The thing is, sometimes you go through all the papers you brought on the plane, you can't get to sleep 'cuz the 6'7" guy in the seat right behind you has a knee in your back and let's face it, those seats aren't exactly like my recliner in the living room.  So, every once in awhile, it just seems like it's a great idea to grab the SKYMALL and see what's there.  I mean, I really have never ordered anything from SKYMALL and I really don't even know anybody that has purchased something from SKYMALL but somebody must keep them in business.
Let's take a quick look at some of those great deals you can only find while 35,000 feet above the surface of the earth.
The first five pages contain three different ads for flowers.  This has to be directed at us guys.  Whoops, left on the business trip and forgot the anniversary. No problem.  Put a page marker on that page so when we land, we can get that little thing taken care of.
There's a full-page ad for Jumpin Jammerz.  Think those all-in-one footed fleece pajamas that you had as a two year old and just make them adult size.  Oh yeah, cover them with your choice of Penguins, Lips, Guitars, Ducks, Camouflage or Skulls.  They even have them in sizes big enough to fit the 6'7" guy sitting in the seat behind you.  The only way I'm wearing one of those is if I'm headed to a Halloween party.
You might want to consider buying a Stress Eraser for only $299.95.  The way it works is: Step 1 - Place your finger in the pulse sensor. Step 2 - Synchronize your breathing to your BreathWave (visually or by listening with eyes closed)  Step 3 - In a few minutes, your mind feels clam and your body feels relaxed. It's that easy and only $299.95.  I'm thinking it might be easier to push the button for the flight attendant and buy one of those $5 Bud Lights.
If that doesn't work, you can go for the Panasonic Real Pro Ultra Total Body Massage Lounger.  That's only $4,799.  I wonder if that comes with a six-pack of Bud Light.
Have trouble getting up in the morning?  You probably need the Flying Alarm Clock.  This digital alarm clock launches a rotor into the air that flies around the room as the alarm sounds, hovering up to 9 feet in the air. The alarm won't shut off until the rotor is returned to the clock.  Excuse me if I don't buy this one. With my luck, the rotor would fly behind the dresser although I bet the alarm would also shut off if a fairly heavy book landed on top of it instead of the rotor.
Here one for your next party.  The Marshmallow Shooter.  This clever pump action device shoots marshmallows over 30 feet. See how many marshmallows your guests can catch in their mouth.   Now why didn't I think of this one?  I mean, it's even dishwasher safe.
There are also about 20 some pages of electronic gizmos that will make your life easier, less stressful, more organized. There's one that's guaranteed to grow more hair.  Whoops, more pages of flowers and just in case you missed it the first time, another full-page ad for Jumpin Jammerz. 
In just the space of a couple pages, I can buy something to massage any part of my body, eliminate those nasty unwanted nose hairs, train myself to stop snoring, treat skin infections, put my neck into traction, magnify my TV screen, increase my lung power, tone my abdominal muscles, relieve my backaches, eliminate my heel pain and exfoliate and soften my skin. I can lose five pounds in three days using the Hollywood Cookie Diet (I'm looking into this one).
I do believe that when one is trapped in a long cylinder shooting through the air at several hundred miles per hour, some of these things actually might make sense.  But I still haven't thought of anyone that I know that has ever purchased something from SKYMALL.  But I know you're out there.  How else could they continue to produce all these great item?

Thought for the week
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If you have some Business Beat news or tips to direct my way, call 362-5180 and leave a message or drop an email to news@yorknewstimes.com with the words "business beat" in the subject line.  You can also mail the item to Business Beat, c/o York News-Times, P.O. Box 279, York, NE 68467.  Dave Sjuts photo courtesy of Abbott Studio.